respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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