It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
