Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
