i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
