And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
