did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
