my mouth tastes like poor choices
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
