Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
