3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
