I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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