i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
