when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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