No stitches, just platelets and will power
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
