hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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