last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
