how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
