I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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