this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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