The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
