His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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