I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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