Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
