I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
