I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
