I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
