Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
This toilet bowl is my home.
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