i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
