Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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