Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
