so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
