'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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