Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Couch. On fire.
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