he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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