Define "chronic" masturbator.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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