I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
