I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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