I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
