Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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