Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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