I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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