I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
