what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
