I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
false alarm. still invincible.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
