if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
