why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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