Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
