I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
