Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
