Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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