Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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