In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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